I like to steal things. Big things, little things.

I've always been this way. Even as a small child all I could think about was stealing things. As a matter of fact, being a compulsive kleptomaniac is an inherent part of my nature.

I believe G-d should accept me just as I am. One of His thieving children.

Anyone who would tell me my behaviour is unacceptable, inappropriate and, dare I say it, SINFUL!! is simply being judgmental and not loving at all. Not even one little bit. If you could just learn how a loving G-d is pleased. He sees my life as it is. He knows I try hard and I have my life in moderately good order. Well, except for this small detail which really doesn't effect anyone but me. Not much. And the people who have a problem with me are hypocrites anyway, so who cares. Besides, no one is perfect.

I mean, people really aren't effected by my choice of behavior are they? It's not like taking a shirt from the store harms them physically. In fact, they should recognize my inherent value and be thrilled at the privilege they have to be a part of my self-expression.

You can't throw Bible verses at me saying stealing is wrong. It's not like I have a choice. This is the way I am. I don't have a problem with it so you shouldn't have a problem with it. Besides, G-d isn't really talking about "stealing". He's talking about violent aggression which hurts people. I don't hurt anyone. In fact, I don't take from anyone who can't afford to share with me. I live in harmony with everyone. No one really owns anything. It's all semantics. We should just love each other.

In fact, I believe the term "thief" is derogatory and doesn't express my heart in a positive light. I believe I shall call myself an "emancipator".

If you call me a thief or try to show me how my lifestyle is a problem, then you just don't understand me and worse, you are probably a closet emancipator yourself.

See, the problem is that you are just jealous of my freedom. I have been liberated from the archaic societal norm which says the emancipation of goods is wrong. There is no wrong, there is only better and best.

It is best to allow me to behave, to live, to exist in this way. It brings me joy and completion. I am fulfilled by this complete acquiescence to the to my own desires.

It's just who I am. And I refuse to apologize for the way G-d made me. And you are just a hater. A hater of anyone who doesn't fit into your little box. And I won't let your narrow minded view of spirituality cloud the crystalline peaks of joy that surround me when I live according to my true self.

*Satire ends*

Made my brain hurt writing it.